![\"\"](\"https:\/\/novus2.com\/righteouscause\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/10\/ChatGPT-Image-Oct-12-2026-08_37_37-AM-1024x536.png\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
PURE PARODY. Everything below about the Columbus Land Coalition, its officers, members, merchandise, and \u201cbeneficiaries\u201d is invented for satirical purposes in the tradition of The Babylon Bee. Quotations attributed to real publications are reproduced accurately from the sources cited at the end; every other quotation is fictional and spoken by fictional people.<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n Finders Keepers Since 1492: A Modest Proposal for Columbus Day<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n \u2767 \u2726 \u2767<\/span><\/p>\n The Columbus Land Coalition says it is simply \u201caccepting the land acknowledgment\u201d SCOTTSDALE, AZ \u2014 For years, America\u2019s most conscientious citizens have opened their podcasts, faculty senates, yoga classes, and wedding receptions with a solemn declaration: We are standing on stolen land.<\/i> They say it with feeling. They say it with a slight downward tilt of the chin. They say it with the quiet, steady confidence of people who are absolutely certain nobody will ever take them up on it.<\/p>\n This Columbus Day, somebody is taking them up on it.<\/p>\n Meet the Columbus Land Coalition (CLC)<\/b><\/span>, a newly incorporated 501(c)(3) nonprofit headquartered in a strip-mall suite between a vape shop and a tax preparer, whose mission statement fits on a single bumper sticker: \u201cYou Said It Was Stolen. We Believed You.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWe are, first and foremost, good listeners,\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span> said CLC founder and Executive Director Rutherford \u201cFord\u201d Pemberton III, a retired homeowners\u2019 association president who once fined a neighbor $40 for an unauthorized garden gnome. \u201cFor half a decade, an entire political class has been publicly admitting to possession of stolen property. In any other context, that\u2019s called a confession. Where I come from, when someone confesses, you don\u2019t nod respectfully and hand them a kombucha. You process the paperwork.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n The Coalition\u2019s founding theory is elegant in its simplicity. If the land is stolen, then the people currently sitting on it possess stolen goods. If they know it\u2019s stolen \u2014 and they announce it constantly, often with a slide deck \u2014 then they have no moral claim to keep it. And if they have no moral claim to keep it, then the only remaining question is who gets it next.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd that,\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span> Pemberton said, tapping a laminated organizational chart, \u201cis where we come in.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n \u2767 \u2726 \u2767<\/span><\/p>\n Critics have asked why an organization dedicated to land reclamation would name itself after the single most canceled man in the Western Hemisphere. The CLC\u2019s answer is, frankly, devastating.<\/p>\n \u201cChristopher Columbus never set foot on any land that is currently part of the continental United States,\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span> explained CLC Director of Historical Research Darla Vane-Whitaker, a former community college adjunct who now describes herself as \u201cpost-tenure, pre-employment.\u201d \u201cHe landed in the Bahamas. He poked around Cuba and Hispaniola. He never filed a homestead claim in Ohio. Of every major figure in American history, he is the only one with a perfectly clean land-acquisition record inside our borders. We checked. We checked twice.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Vane-Whitaker\u2019s department, which consists of Vane-Whitaker and a used library card, then made what the Coalition calls \u201cthe discovery that changed everything.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n \u201cThe Indian Removal Act of 1830 was signed by Andrew Jackson,\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>Vane-Whitaker said, holding up a photocopy as though it were the Dead Sea Scrolls. \u201cAndrew Jackson founded the Democratic Party. I want everyone to sit with that for a moment. The party that now opens its state conventions with a land acknowledgment was founded by the man who signed the eviction notice. That isn\u2019t a land acknowledgment. That\u2019s a signed affidavit.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Asked whether this line of reasoning was perhaps a bit glib about one of the darkest chapters in American history, Vane-Whitaker grew serious. \u201cThe chapter is dark. That\u2019s precisely the point. What\u2019s glib is reciting it as a warm-up act before the keynote and then driving home to a four-bedroom Craftsman in Berkeley. We are simply asking the people who keep bringing it up to follow their own logic all the way to the title company.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n \u2767 \u2726 \u2767<\/span><\/p>\n According to its glossy 14-page prospectus, printed on paper the Coalition insists was harvested from \u201cethically reclaimed timberland,\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span> the CLC operates through four program pillars.<\/p>\n CLC volunteers, known internally as \u201cReceivers,\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span> attend public events that open with a land acknowledgment. When the speaker finishes, a Receiver stands, applauds warmly, and presents a pre-filled quitclaim deed along with a bouquet of grocery-store carnations.<\/p>\n \u201cWe don\u2019t heckle,\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span> said Receiver Team Lead Brock Halvorsen, 34, a former timeshare closer. \u201cWe affirm. We say, \u2018Thank you for your vulnerability. We hear you. We see you. Please initial here, here, and here.\u2019 You would be amazed how far you can get in a room full of people who have been trained never to contradict anyone who says \u2018we hear you.\u2019\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n To date, Halvorsen reports, the program has collected zero signed deeds, eleven restraining orders, and \u201cone extremely confused city council member in Ann Arbor who asked if we were with the Bureau of Land Management.\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>Which brings us to the Coalition\u2019s most persistent operational challenge.<\/p>\n The CLC\u2019s analysts quickly noticed that individual progressives, for all their eloquence, own surprisingly little dirt. The truly enormous holdings sit with an entity that progressives tend to adore: the federal government.<\/p>\n The federal government now owns one-third of the land in the United States.<\/i><\/p>\n \u2014 Alexander Annett, The Heritage Foundation, \u201cThe Federal Government\u2019s Poor Management of America\u2019s Land Resources\u201d (1999)<\/b><\/span><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u201cOne-third!\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>Pemberton exclaimed, pounding a folding table hard enough to topple a stack of commemorative koozies. \u201cIn Nevada it\u2019s over eighty percent. And who\u2019s been sitting on it, administering it, writing 900-page management plans for it, and charging ranchers a permit fee to look at it? The same folks who tell me I\u2019m on stolen land. Buddy, you\u2019re the biggest fence in the country.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Even the government\u2019s friends concede the stewardship has been, shall we say, uneven.<\/p>\n The problem is that the federal government doesn\u2019t do a good job managing those properties.<\/i><\/p>\n \u2014 The Oklahoman Editorial Board, reprinted at lankford.senate.gov, \u201cFederal Officials Disregard Their Land Management Failures\u201d<\/b><\/span><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u201cIf you\u2019re going to hold stolen goods,\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>said Vane-Whitaker, \u201cthe least you can do is mow them.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Under this pillar, the CLC maps every residential yard sign reading \u201cIn This House We Believe\u2026\u201d<\/em> <\/strong><\/span>against county records, then prioritizes the properties whose signs include some variation of \u201cno one is illegal on stolen land.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n \u201cThat sign is basically a listing,\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/span> Halvorsen explained. \u201cIt\u2019s a homeowner telling you, in vinyl, on a wire stake, that they have no legitimate claim to the property it\u2019s stuck in. We\u2019re not reading between the lines. We\u2019re reading the lines.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n No institution has drawn more Coalition attention than a certain beloved Vermont ice-cream company, which in July 2023 published a statement so sweeping that CLC members reportedly had it framed for the break room.<\/p>\n The US was founded on stolen Indigenous land.<\/i><\/p>\n \u2014 Ben & Jerry\u2019s, \u201cThe US Was Founded on Stolen Indigenous Land\u2014This July 4, Let\u2019s Commit to Returning It\u201d (July 2023)<\/b><\/span><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u201cThey said \u2018let\u2019s commit to returning it,\u2019\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>Pemberton noted, \u201cand they sell their pints out of a factory in Waterbury. Returning it. Their word. So we sent a very respectful letter, a box of moving supplies, and a coupon for a free scoop as a gesture of goodwill. We have not heard back. We assume they\u2019re busy packing.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n \u2767 \u2726 \u2767<\/span><\/p>\n If the Coalition has an Achilles\u2019 heel, it is a three-letter acronym. America has two prominent \u201cBLMs\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span> \u2014 the Bureau of Land Management, which oversees roughly 245 million acres of sagebrush, scrub, and rocks, and Black Lives Matter, the activist movement. The CLC has managed to confuse them in both directions, repeatedly, and with tremendous enthusiasm.<\/p>\n In what internal memos call \u201cthe Portland Situation,\u201d<\/em> <\/strong><\/span>a CLC intern attempted to file a formal reclamation claim against \u201cBLM\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>for 245 million acres and mailed it to the first BLM address that came up in a search. Three weeks later, a Portland-area activist collective received a 40-page renewal notice for a cattle grazing allotment in eastern Oregon, complete with a map, a water-rights addendum, and a stern reminder about bovine trespass.<\/p>\n \u201cAt first we thought it was a microaggression,\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>said Juniper Oakhaven-Reyes, a fictional collective organizer who, for the record, does not exist. \u201cThen we read it more closely and realized we were legally responsible for 312 cows. We had a three-hour consensus meeting about whether the cows were comrades. Two members left. One of them now owns a ranch in Burns and is weirdly happy.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n The confusion runs the other way, too. Last spring, a dozen CLC Receivers in matching windbreakers drove six hours to a rally in Elko, Nevada, under the impression that it was a protest against federal land policy.<\/p>\n \u201cThe flyer said \u2018BLM Rally, Bring Signs,\u2019\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span> Halvorsen recalled. \u201cSo we brought signs. Mine said \u2018GIVE US BACK OUR GRAZING RIGHTS.\u2019 It turned out to be an entirely different kind of rally. To everyone\u2019s enormous credit, people were very gracious about it. One woman gave me a bottle of water and told me she, too, had strong feelings about the Bureau. We ended up talking for an hour about federal permitting delays. Honestly, it was the most productive bipartisan conversation I\u2019ve had in years.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n The Coalition has since adopted a strict new protocol requiring all volunteers to confirm, before deploying, whether the BLM in question has (a) a logo with a mountain on it or (b) a logo with a fist on it. \u201cIf it has a mountain,\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>the training manual reads, \u201cbring a clipboard. If it has a fist, bring an apology and maybe some granola bars.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n \u2767 \u2726 \u2767<\/span><\/p>\n Every serious modern cause needs a revenue stream, and the CLC\u2019s online store has reportedly outperformed its actual land acquisitions by a margin of infinity to zero. The Coalition gleefully borrows from a long American tradition of public-lands novelty gear \u2014 the outdoor-shop stickers that relabel federal agencies as the \u201cU.S. Department of Dirt and Rocks\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>and the \u201cBureau of Who Left the Gate Open?\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>\u2014 and pushes it several exits further down the highway.<\/p>\n \u201cThe decal is our top seller,\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>said merchandise director Kayleigh Strand. \u201cWe had to add a tiny line of print at the bottom that says \u2018Not an actual federal agency\u2019 after a gentleman in Moab tried to use it to get into a national park for free. In fairness, it almost worked. The ranger said it looked more official than his.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n \u2767 \u2726 \u2767<\/span><\/p>\n The CLC is eager to emphasize that its work produces real, measurable emotional outcomes \u2014 chiefly among the people it attempts to relieve of property. The following testimonials appear in the Coalition\u2019s annual report under the heading \u201cVoices of Release.\u201d<\/strong> <\/em><\/span>Every one of these people is made up.<\/p>\n \u201cI read a land acknowledgment before every Zoom, including my dentist appointments. When the Coalition showed up at my studio apartment with a deed and a carnation, I panicked, because I rent. Then I realized I\u2019d spent four years apologizing for land I don\u2019t even own. My landlord owns it. He lives in Boca. I gave them his address. For the first time in years, I feel lighter. I think the word is \u2018accountability,\u2019 but for someone else.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u201cI have taught a seminar titled \u2018Unsettling the Settler\u2019 for twenty-two years. When the Receivers arrived at my lake house, I explained that my land acknowledgment was intended metaphorically<\/i>. The young man nodded and asked which parts of the lake were metaphorical. I could not answer. I have since revised the syllabus.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u201cThese people came out to my place wanting to know if I was ready to give back the land. I told them, son, I lease it. From the government. Which owns most of the county. They got real quiet, then asked where the government lives. I pointed east. Said keep going till you hit a building with a lot of columns. Nice kids. Left me a hat.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u201cWe printed \u2018Decolonize Dessert\u2019 on our napkins. The Coalition sent us a certified letter asking for a closing date. We have since switched to plain napkins.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u201cWe received the Coalition\u2019s claim for roughly 640 million acres. It has been assigned a tracking number and placed in the queue behind several thousand other claims, a maintenance backlog, and a 1998 request to repave a parking lot in Wyoming. Estimated response time is 2071. We appreciate their patience.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u2767 \u2726 \u2767<\/span><\/p>\n Naturally, the Coalition has attracted the scrutiny of law enforcement. In an unusually candid 2024 press release, the FBI\u2019s Newark field office warned the public about genuine criminals who steal property by pretending to be the owner.<\/p>\n It boils down to property owner impersonation.<\/i><\/p>\n \u2014 Special Agent Joe Cardosi, FBI Newark, \u201cFraudsters Are Stealing Land Out From Under Owners\u201d (May 28, 2024)<\/b><\/span><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n CLC General Counsel Thaddeus Grimsby, Esq., who passed the bar on his fourth attempt and lists
\n
\nthat progressives have been reading aloud at the start of every Zoom call since 2019.<\/i><\/span><\/p>\nA Confession Is Not a Confession Until Somebody Collects<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
Why Columbus? Because His Land Record Is Spotless<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
The Research Department Opens a History Book<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
The Mission: Exaggerated, Audacious, and Fully Tax-Deductible<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
Pillar One: Operation Acknowledgment Accepted<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Pillar Two: Targeting the Largest Landlord in America<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Pillar Three: The Sanctuary Suburb Initiative<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Pillar Four: Corporate Accountability<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
The Great BLM Mix-Up<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
Incident Report #1: The Portland Grazing Permit<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Incident Report #2: The Elko Rally<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Merchandise: Because No Movement Survives Without a Gift Shop<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
Best Sellers This Quarter<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
\n
Testimonials From the Reclaimed<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
Sage Willow-Brennan, Brooklyn, New York<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Professor Emeritus Alden Thistlewood, Amherst, Massachusetts<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Wade Callister, Rancher, Lander County, Nevada<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Marigold Featherstone-Vance, Artisanal Gelato Entrepreneur, Burlington, Vermont<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Anonymous Federal Employee, Washington, D.C.<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n
Legal Counsel Weighs In (Sort Of)<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n