From the “Life Hacks on Steroids” Department … Just do it!
Learn how to reduce stress and anxiety–in yourself and others–by learning how to say “no” without over-explaining.
So, why do we over-explain in the first place? Psychologist and bestselling author Dr. Nicole LePera dived into this topic in a recent Twitter thread.
“Over-explaining is a habit response where we attempt to rid ourselves of guilt or anxiety by providing a ‘right’ answer to someone,” writes LePera. “The root of over-explaining comes from patterns of fawning or people-pleasing. Many of us believe in order to say ‘no’ or to not do something, we need to provide a reasoning that won’t disappoint or upset others.”
Over-explainers often have good intention. You may be a high empathy person (that’s a strength but it can also be a weakness), so you worry a lot about how others think and feel. The problem is, over-explaining kills your confidence. Additionally, you may actually add anxiety to the other person, who feels the need to assuage your feelings.
Which brings us to a brilliant five-word-formula:
Appreciation + the no + well wishes
Here’s how it works:
“Thank you so much for thinking of me (appreciation). I actually don’t have time in my schedule right now (the no). I know it will be a great event (well wishes).”
“Thanks for sharing what you’re up to (appreciation). Right now I’m not in the market for [this product] (the no). I wish you the best with this (well wishes).”
“I love that you’re passionate about this (appreciation). I won’t be able to make it (the no). Let me know how it goes though; I know you’ll crush it (well wishes).”