THE LEGEND OF “BABY XENU.”
Millions of years ago, in the far reaches of the cosmos, there was a planet ruled by an extraterrestrial Galactic Lord, known as Xenu. He was a powerful ruler, with a vast army and a multitude of followers. But Xenu was not always the ruler of this planet. It was a long and arduous journey, filled with trials and tribulations, that led him to the throne and more trouble was on the horizon for the Federation of Planets.
The story of Xenu, as told by L. Ron Hubbard, is an incredible one. Xenu faced an overpopulation crisis and was about to be deposed from power because of his mishandling of the Federation’s excess citizenry. The planets were overpopulated, containing an average population of 178 billion. To solve this problem, Xenu captured citizens from his planet, bringing them in under the pretense of income tax inspections. He then paralyzed them and froze them in a mixture of alcohol and glycol to capture their souls. The kidnapped populace was loaded into spacecraft for transport to the site of extermination and transported to the planet Teegeeack (called Earth today), where he destroyed their bodies by dropping them in volcanos and nuking them with A-bombs which released their spirits into the atmosphere.
After hearing of this ultimate space crime, a faction of the Federation’s Loyal Officers ultimately overthrew Xenu and his renegades, and locked him away in “a digital mountain trap” from which he has not escaped. Although the location of Xenu is, from time to time, stated to be the Pyrenees on Earth, this is simply the area Hubbard gave someplace else for a historic “Martian report station.” Xenu’s imprisonment on the pariah “prison planet” to this day, is still an unknown location. Some believe he is still alive in that distant corner of the universe, never to be seen again. Regardless, his story is an incredible one, and it has inspired many over the years.
At the highest levels of Scientology training, followers learn about Xenu and his story. It is at this point that many become suspicious that the whole thing is a farce. After all, the story of Xenu and his exploits is quite outlandish and difficult to believe. Some Scientology followers accept it in blind faith as fact, while others find it almost as ridiculous as “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” and reject it altogether. Whatever the case may be, it is a source of intrigue and controversy. The reason Scientologists accept Hubbard’s bizarre story about Xenu is that by the time they reach OT 3, they have been “remembering” their own outlandish space opera “whole track” stories during auditing, perhaps for several years.
The exact date that L. Ron Hubbard wrote about the Xenu story is unknown. However, it is believed that he wrote it sometime in the late 1950s or early 1960s. It is also suspected that Hubbard drew on many of his own writings of the science fiction genre in order to come up with the fantastical tale of Xenu. It is undeniable that the story of Xenu has become a major part of Scientology mythology.
Since the secret teaching of the Galactic Lord Xenu was revealed to the public, it has been met with a wide range of reactions. Some are shocked and disturbed by the story, while others find it amusing or even incredibly outrageous. There are also those who are skeptical of the story and view it as nothing more than a far-fetched conspiracy theory.
Recently, a growing group of ex-members has theorized that there is much more to the story, claiming that Scientology leadership had “strayed from Hubbard’s original teachings.”
Now, based on some theories overheard in a Clearwater, Florida Dunkin’® Donuts, and with a nod to the great Paul Harvey … “In a moment, the rest of the story.”
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO LORD XENU?
The day began normally enough on the desert planet of Xenu’s imprisonment. A warm sun shone down on the barren landscape, not a single cloud in sight. But something was amiss. A strange humming noise filled the air, like a million tiny engines all working in unison. Then, suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky. It descended rapidly, and soon landed in the center of the planet where Xenu was locked.
The light revealed a ship, of alien origin. A loud voice echoed from the ship, announcing the arrival of the Invader Forces. Xenu, the imprisoned and self-proclaimed extraterrestrial ruler of the planet, was immediately taken in for interrogation. After he was questioned and ultimately pardoned of his previous crimes, and as a gesture of goodwill was granted full access to the settlements that the invaders were establishing on the planet. Little did anyone know, but this access would have far-reaching consequences.
While visiting the many settlements over the next few years, Xenu met a woman, and soon she was found “with child,” a boy. This child was no ordinary baby. After his birth, his incredible Super Powers quickly became apparent. He could move objects with his mind, could instantly fill out corporate tax returns with the wave of his hand … his eyes even glowed with the light of microwaves, infrared, ultraviolet, X rays, and gamma rays. It was soon realized that this baby was none other than Baby Xenu, a new Galactic Lord in training.
Word of Baby Xenu’s existence quickly spread, and people from all over the galaxy came to witness the child’s incredible powers.
He was seen as a beacon of hope, and people began to flock to the planet in droves. This newfound hope inspired a group of former Scientologists to form a new venture. The leadership of this group, Aaron Smith-Levin, Marc and Claire Headley, and Mike Rinder, established SPTV, a conglomerate that produces YouTube videos and bobblehead dolls with Baby Xenu destined to be their newest and most popular. The crystal ball of Destiny itself would foretell that these dolls would quickly became a sensation, and with each passing day, more and more of them would be sold.
This prophesy of the popularity of the Baby Xenu dolls is a testament to the power and influence of the Galactic Lord in training. Baby Xenu’s story is an inspiring one, and is expected to be told and retold for generations. It has given hope to many, and it is sure to inspire future populations throughout the known galaxies … and beyond.
