The script to an unmade film by the late L. Ron Hubbard was discovered by a janitor at Golden Era Productions while emptying a previously unnoticed waste bin from one of the dozens of unused production offices.

Before “Battlefield Earth,” this was the movie that was destined for the big screen. An unidentified source reports that secret meetings have been called for all Golden Era casting directors. Stay tuned…

The script has been leaked!

Title: “The Hilarious Hijinks of L. Ron Hubbard and the Troublesome Body Thetans”

[Scene: A dimly lit room with L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, sitting at a desk, surrounded by papers and a typewriter. He scratches his head, visibly frustrated.]

L. Ron Hubbard (LRH): Ah, these pesky body thetans! They’re worse than a horde of mischievous gremlins, I tell ya!

[Enter a swarm of invisible body thetans, giggling and causing mayhem.]

Body Thetan 1 (BT1): Hey, L. Ron, watch this! pulls out a whoopee cushion and places it on Hubbard’s chair

[Hubbard sits down, and the whoopee cushion makes a loud, embarrassing noise. The body thetans burst into laughter.]

LRH: Very funny, BT1! Now, back to work!

[Hubbard picks up his pen, but a body thetan snatches it away and starts scribbling random doodles on the papers.]

LRH: Oh, come on! I’m trying to write the next bestseller here!

Body Thetan 2 (BT2): waving a sock puppet Hey, LRH, how about we take a break and have a puppet show? I hear the thetans love it!

LRH: No, no, no! I need to focus! We’re creating a religion here, not a circus!

[Another body thetan, wearing a tiny construction hat, appears and starts hammering away at Hubbard’s typewriter.]

LRH: Stop it! This isn’t helping! You’re driving me crazy!

[Hubbard tries to shoo away the body thetans, but they multiply and continue their antics.]

LRH: Okay, I’ve had enough! We’re going to get these thetans under control once and for all!

[Hubbard grabs a makeshift ghostbuster-style vacuum cleaner and starts chasing the body thetans around the room.]

LRH: Prepare to be sucked into oblivion, you rascals!

[The body thetans scatter in all directions, with Hubbard chasing them, accompanied by Benny Hill-style music.]

[Cut to a montage of LRH’s attempts to rid himself of the body thetans, including jumping jacks, bizarre dance moves, and failed exorcism attempts with fake holy water.]

LRH: I’ve got it! We’ll call it “Auditing”! That’ll teach these thetans who’s boss!

[Hubbard sets up a mock auditing session, complete with a tin can and an e-meter. The body thetans line up, waiting their turn.]

Body Thetan 3 (BT3): whispering to the other thetans Guys, pretend to have deep emotional traumas. Let’s give LRH a good laugh!

[The body thetans take turns recounting exaggerated stories and emotions, making Hubbard’s auditing session a comedic disaster.]

LRH: This is impossible! I can’t focus with all these shenanigans!

[Hubbard collapses in defeat, surrounded by giggling body thetans.]

LRH: Alright, alright! I surrender! You win, body thetans! You win!

[The body thetans cheer and start celebrating, their laughter echoing through the room.]

[Closing scene: L. Ron Hubbard sits amidst the chaos, wearing a defeated expression, as the body thetans continue their mischievous revelry.]

Narrator: And so, the early days of Scientology were filled with laughter, frustration, and a whole lot of ghostly hijinks. Even the great L. Ron Hubbard couldn’t escape the comedic chaos caused by those mischievous body thetans. But despite the challenges, he persevered and developed unique techniques to help individuals overcome their spiritual obstacles.

[Cut to a montage of Hubbard conducting serious research, experimenting with various methods to handle the body thetans.]

Narrator: Hubbard tirelessly worked to refine his auditing techniques, determined to find a solution to the body thetans’ disruptive antics.

LRH: Eureka! I’ve got it! We’ll incorporate a special “Thetan Whispering” technique to communicate with these pesky beings.

[Hubbard demonstrates his new technique, speaking softly to the body thetans.]

LRH: Now, body thetans, I understand you love having fun, but we must find a balance. Let’s work together, okay?

[The body thetans, intrigued by Hubbard’s calm approach, gradually calm down and listen attentively.]

Narrator: Through patience, understanding, and a touch of diplomacy, L. Ron Hubbard managed to strike a truce with the body thetans.

[Cut to a scene of Hubbard and the body thetans sitting at a conference table, engaging in a serious negotiation.]

LRH: Alright, body thetans, I propose a compromise. You can have your occasional playful moments, but we must maintain focus during important Scientology tasks. Agreed?

[The body thetans nod their heads and shake hands with Hubbard, symbolizing their agreement.]

Narrator: From that day forward, the body thetans became valuable allies in the Church of Scientology, rather than pesky distractions. They channeled their energy into productive endeavors, leaving Hubbard free to pursue his mission.

[Closing scene: L. Ron Hubbard stands before an audience of eager followers, explaining his groundbreaking techniques.]

LRH: Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to the cooperation of our dear body thetans, we have unlocked the secrets of spiritual growth like never before!

[The audience applauds, and the body thetans, now wearing tiny Scientology badges, stand proudly alongside Hubbard.]

Narrator: And so, with laughter, determination, and a dash of ingenuity, L. Ron Hubbard and his troublesome body thetans turned their early struggles into a catalyst for spiritual enlightenment.

[The screen fades out, leaving the audience with a smile, imagining the hilarious journey Hubbard must have experienced in the early days of Scientology.]

Narrator: Remember, when life throws you mischievous body thetans, embrace the chaos, find the humor, and discover a path to enlightenment, just like L. Ron Hubbard did.