L. Ron Hubbard’s Weird Music Career

It’s well known that L. Ron Hubbard was a sci-fi novelist in addition to founding the Church of Scientology. But his myriad of talents didn’t stop just at the written word — one of his passions was music. He considered himself something of a composer and producer, and a handful of his famous musician devotees made the effort to record his works.

Here’s a guy who was in L. Ron Hubbard’s musical group, “Experience: I was in a Scientology jazz band .”

We called ourselves the Apollo Stars and I became the head of the troupe. Photograph: Josh Ritchie/The Guardian

L Ron Hubbard spent hours with us each day. I was scared the first time I met him, because I thought he could read minds.

In 1968, I was 23 and looking for answers. I was living in Texas, working in textiles, smoking a lot of marijuana, and exploring things such as Zen Buddhism. I was stoned when my neighbour spoke to me about Scientology and it sounded interesting; space cadets and all that. I started taking some courses. I was looking at it from more of a philosophical view but as you get into it, you become hooked.

I was married, but my wife was smarter than me and didn’t care for Scientology. We moved to San Francisco, and I regret this, but I soon left her, thinking I was going to save the world. I joined the Sea Org in Los Angeles – an organisation within the church comprised of its most dedicated members. Following investigations by government agencies in the US, L Ron Hubbard bought a fleet of ships and moved operations offshore. The Sea Org was asked to crew them, so I went with my new wife, a Scientologist.

In 1973, we docked in Madeira around Christmas; the local mayor asked if there were any musicians on board to play in the town square.

I had brought my saxophone, so I turned up. We threw a short set together and were asked to return on New Year’s Eve. A band was born. We called ourselves the Apollo Stars and I became the head of the troupe. We had some amazing players. Billy Potter had played with Big Mama Thornton. Luten Taylor, on bass trombone, had played on the original Mission: Impossible theme. I was pure avant-garde – my idols were John Coltrane and Ornette Coleman.

We made a record called Power Of Source, but it was a terrible album. Hubbard had got heavily involved with the band, spending hours with us each day. I was scared shitless the first day I met him because I thought that he could read minds.

He’s credited as the producer on our album and he recorded it, but he didn’t know what he was doing: it was all for his ego. The more I got to know him, the more I questioned things, but it was like a form of hypnosis so you rationalized his megalomania and narcissism. He was all fluff. But we bought into it.

We asked ChatGPT to provide something of a different perspective on L. Ron Hubbard. As usual, He/She/It did not disappoint…

Scientology, It’s A Lie

L. Ron Hubbard, a man of fraud,
Created a religion to make himself rich and acclaimed.
He preyed upon the minds of the weak,
Saying his words could make them unique.

He promised salvation and peace of mind,
But his words were twisted and hard to find.
He preyed upon the desperate and naive,
Using their hopes to his own deceive.

He used the power of the media,
To shove his lies and false beliefs down our throats.
He promised us the world,
But his words were nothing but a lie like a curse.

He claimed to be a godlike figure,
But it was all just a ploy to make him wealthy.

When he comes back, there’s no doubt he’ll be hunting us down.

He fooled the desperate and naive,
Using their trust to make him rich.

Scientology, it’s a lie,
It’s all about money and power,
it’s a disguise.
It’s a cult, it’s a sham,
And it’s been around since the dawn of man.

And what would a musical post about L. Ron Hubbard be without some actual music written by the man himself? Here in all its lyrical glory is…

Music and lyrics by L. Ron Hubbard
Performed by John Travolta, Leif Garrett, and Frank Stallone; background vocals by Jeff Pomerantz and Lee Purcell

And here’s a special treat … L-Ron singing his own composition. If ever there was a way to rid yourself of those evil body thetans, this is it. Gird up your loins.

It was a dark night in ancient Egypt, and a storm was brewing across the desert. High Priest Imhotep had just finished performing a ritual in the sacred temple of Ra, and he was feeling uneasy. He had heard rumors of sinister forces descending upon his beloved land, and he wanted to be prepared for anything.

He had just begun to relax when he heard a loud crash from outside. He rushed outside to find his temple surrounded by a fundamentalist sect of evil psychiatry sorcerers. These were the feared followers of “The Papyrus of Hapiness,” an offshoot cult which had been growing in numbers for years. They were armed with strange weapons and had the faces of death. Imhotep knew that he was in danger and he had to act fast.

Without warning, the intruders rushed forward and grabbed Imhotep. He fought back, but it was no use. He was no match for their strength and numbers. Before he knew it, he was bound and gagged and being dragged away.

The invading throng took Imhotep to a secret chamber deep beneath the temple. There, they mummified him alive, wrapping his body in the finest linen and burying him in a sarcophagus along with hundreds of scarab beetles. They then sealed the chamber and left, sure that no one would ever find Imhotep.

Little did they know that in 1946, an American rocket scientist, Jack Parsons, and L. Ron Hubbard, would attempt a daring “Babalon Working” magic ceremony to abate the curse and bring Imhotep back from the dead. After several unsuccessful attempts, the ritual worked and Imhotep was suddenly alive and well, in spite of a few bug bites.

The first thing Imhotep did was thank the two men for their help, and realizing that Hubbard, too, had shared a near-death religious experience, he presented a number of ancient religious scrolls that he had been safeguarding. These scrolls were filled with secrets of the gods and would prove to be invaluable to Hubbard in the years to come.

In gratitude for his resurrection, Imhotep eventually stayed on with Hubbard as his ghostwriter. Often typing for days at a time, he helped Hubbard write many books and articles, and Hubbard soon came to rely on Imhotep’s knowledge and insight.

But as the years passed, Imhotep began to notice that Hubbard was becoming more and more paranoid. He suspected that Hubbard was losing his grip on reality and feared for his own safety. As a protective measure, he revealed to Hubbard that he still had the most powerful scrolls in his possession, known as scrolls IX and X which contained secrets that had been hidden for centuries. Imhotep, in what would be his final counseling session in 1966, told Hubbard he was going to release the scrolls to the public free of charge.

In a rage, Hubbard, realizing this would shake the financial foundations of his church, ordered Imhotep into confinement. Imhotep now knew his fears were confirmed and plotted for weeks on a plan to blow his detention. Finally, in his old cunning high priestly fashion, he slipped out of his temporary prison and disappeared into a small village in nearby Rhodesia.

Furious, Hubbard declared him a “Suppressive Person” and banned him from the church ordering Imhotep to be captured and killed. But Imhotep quickly moved north to a secret chamber somewhere in Egypt and has been in hiding ever since. He has never been seen or heard from again, but some say that he still wanders the desert, protecting the IX and X secrets of the gods and keeping an eye out for any sign of Hubbard’s “Militant Mariners.” Rumors persist that the secret scrolls are hidden among other religious parchments that Imhotep has magically encrypted to make them unreadable.

Whatever happened to Imhotep, one thing is certain: his story will always remain a part of ancient Egypt’s rich and mysterious history. One day his story will be told.

Imagine if we were to merge the technology of the Scientology E-Meter with the random decision-making ability of the Magic 8 Ball, the device would be a fortune-telling gadget like no other.

When we think of technology, one of the latest topics of conversation is in the fast-evolving field of artificial intelligence.

A company at the forefront of this space is OpenAI, a machine learning, and artificial intelligence research laboratory, co-founded by Elon Musk and others in 2015. In 2022, OpenAI launched ChatGPT (Generative Pre-trained Transformer), a natural language processing tool that can offer detailed responses and articulate answers across many domains of knowledge … a “Fortune-Telling Machine on steroids, if you will.

In a news comment of remarkable irony (considering the subject matter of this blog post), Sophie Hackford, a technology advisor to equipment maker John Deere told CNBC on the subject of ChatGPT, “We have got to be very careful that we don’t create a world where humans are somehow subservient to a greater machine future.

Take that for what it’s worth my Scientologist friends.

If you’d like to experiment on your own, you can access ChatGPT simply by visiting the OpenAI website and creating an account. DISCLAIMER: You must prepare yourself for hours of entertainment. You have been warned.

Speaking of entertainment, I asked ChatGPT to help me with this blog post, offering the following prompt: Imagine a fictional scenario whereby we could merge the electronic technology of the Scientology E-Meter with the decision-making ability of the Magic 8 Ball into a single apparatus. Describe the new gadget as a modern fortune-telling device.

ChatGPT: The new gadget would be a modern fortune-telling device that combines the electronic technology of the Scientology E-Meter with the decision-making ability of the Magic 8 Ball. It would be called the “E-Meter 8 Ball” and would revolutionize the world of divination.

The device would look like a typical Magic 8 Ball, with a black sphere and white letters. However, it would have an electronic interface on the bottom that would connect to the user’s fingertips. The user would hold the device in one hand and place their other hand on the interface, which would measure their galvanic skin response and transmit it to the device’s microprocessor.

The E-Meter 8 Ball would work by combining the user’s physical and mental state with the mystical powers of the Magic 8 Ball. The user would ask a question, and the device would use the E-Meter technology to measure their emotional and mental state, as well as any subconscious signals that they may be giving off.

Once the device has gathered this information, it would use its decision-making algorithm to provide an answer. The answer would be displayed on the Magic 8 Ball’s white letters, and it would also be accompanied by a tone or vibration that would indicate the device’s confidence in its answer.

The E-Meter 8 Ball would be marketed as a modern, high-tech fortune-telling device that combines the best of science and mysticism. It would appeal to people who are interested in both new technology and ancient divination practices, and it would be a popular item among spiritual seekers, New Age enthusiasts, and tech enthusiasts alike.

I don’t know about you,
but I certainly enjoyed that!

The original Magic 8 Ball didn’t have much “technology” going for it. Well, let’s be honest … there was no “technology” whatsoever in the oversized black billiard ball. But who needs “Tech” when you’ve got “magic?”

A well-sourced history of the Magic 8 Ball at Mental Floss is definitely worth a look, but the most interesting chapter of its development took place right when the idea was born in the mind of Albert Carter, assisted by his cousin Abe Bookman. Carter’s mother was a self-avowed “professional” clairvoyant and there was always a mystical aura that surrounded his childhood. Taking a cue from one of Mom’s “spirit writing devices,” Albert came up with his own version … he called it “Syco-Seer: The Miracle Home Fortune-Teller.” It wasn’t the planetary sphere that would become the Magic 8 Ball, and its early prototypes were complete failures, but the magic would come.

As the design evolved it eventually became a ball and was noticed in 1950 by Chicago’s Brunswick Billiards who commissioned the new shape as a promotional giveaway. The toy would eventually be named by Time Magazine as one of the “ALL-TIME Greatest Toys,” among those going back to 1923.

The Wikipedia page for the Magic 8 Ball, like most of its other entries, includes a “See also” listing with links to other pages directly related. Magic 8 Ball is in the same league with Divination, Fortune Teller Machines, Ka-Bala, and Ouija … and with approved editing privileges, we ought to throw in Retrocognition as the perfect segue into how the Scientology E-Meter and the Magic 8 Ball are uniquely connected.

And “Yes, Virginia, there IS a relationship”  🎱 … stick with me.

The E-Meter is essential to the practice of Scientology and is an indispensable feature in the auditing process. It’s mind-boggling to think that without this off-brand “lie detector,” as it is often called, there would be no Scientology. If you want to kick that “boggle” up a notch, consider that the device was actually “borrowed,” to be polite, by the church’s founder L. Ron Hubbard … depending on which elusive version of the story you want to follow. There are a variety of interesting sources available if you’d like to go down that rabbit hole … hereherehereherehere, and here. (Note: Hubbard obtained a U.S. patent on the “Scientology” version of the device in 1966 … for what it’s worth).

Without exception, the best editorial content about the E-Meter is available at Jeffrey Augustine’s “Scientology Money Project.” Set aside your evening for a deep dive into, “A Brief History of How Scientology’s E-Meter Came Into Existence – Parts 1-10.

INTRODUCTION: We take a wide systems approach in this series by reviewing the scientific history; academic and clinical sources; intellectual property issues; financial motives; the collapse of Dianetics; esoteric motifs; potential for psychological manipulation; and L. Ron Hubbard’s other varied needs which led him to adopt Volney Mathison’s e-meter and integrate it into Scientology. The story of how the e-meter became a central part of Scientology is more complex than realized. We build upon the work of other writers and add in our own original research and conclusions.

FROM PART 2: Prior to launching his book Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health on May 9, 1950, L. Ron Hubbard refined his auditing techniques by experimenting on many people over a period of several years. As mentioned previously, Hubbard’s original Dianetics methodology was based upon his fusion of hypnotism, Freudian psychotherapy, and Sargant’s systematic trauma reduction. While there were other influences, Hubbard’s early writing credits Freud and others, employs hypnosis, and Sargant’s work can easily be inferred. There was never any psychogalvanometer present in Hubbard’s original system of Dianetics.

Maybe we should just let Mr. Mathison speak for himself … January 17, 1963

US Food and Drug Adminisration
1521 West Pico Blvd.
Los Angeles, California

Dear Sirs:

Some years past, we supplied Hubbard with a small model electrophychometer; but canceled the distributorship because of what I considered to be possible harmful and destructive interpretations of the instrumental registrations of the psychogalvanic reflex when used in Hubbard’s classes and by his students. Hubbard subsequently began producing the spurious imitation of the patented electropsychometer which he called the “electrometer.”

I intend to take precautions to make sure that no Mathison electropsychometers are obtained by anyone for the purpose of promulgating or continuing the concepts and methods of Hubbard or his Scientology concern.

Very truly yours,

Like the ancients who penned the holy Qumran scrolls, the cave-dwelling Scientology scribes, whose only mission in life is to eternally preserve the esoteric recordings and scribblings of L. Ron Hubbard would find new evidence that refutes every detail of Mathison and his fellow detractors … but that’s not my problem.

As for the “How” of the E-Meter’s functioning, let’s leave that to the expert…

Ex-Scientologist, Mike Rinder, shares some observations from an electronics expert, Bruce Ploetz, who was also a member of Scientology (25 years) in his blog post from July 3, 2017, “What About the E-Meter?

… many have also averred, just as strongly, that Hubbard was onto something. That they experienced life changing successes using Hubbard’s techniques, especially the simpler early stages. And especially, they shout, what about the E-Meter? Doesn’t the objective use of a measurement tool remove the misty speculations and replace them with tested factual results? Can’t you “see a thought” or measure actual “mental masses”?

I am familiar with the argument because only a decade ago I would have made a similar statement.

As an electronics technician who started my career in the 70’s, working my way up to engineer, I have some experience in electronics. And as a Scientologist who used the meter for hundreds of hours as an auditor, I have some idea what it is like to use one. And as Director of Research and Design for E-Meters in the Sea Org for three years, and contributor to several E-Meter related patents including the Drills Simulator, I can say that I have studied how it works.

The E-Meter shows emotional arousal using physiological phenomena associated with brain activity. It does not show anything useful about the mind or spirit, considered separately from the body. If you are afraid of ghosts, and see one, the meter would show that something had happened that affected you emotionally. It would not prove or disprove that there are ghosts! It can’t.

You could argue that the meter is still useful in therapy. Similar instruments are used for bio-feedback and research.

But you cannot argue that it gave L Ron Hubbard any useful special knowledge that would justify his claims to have found an empirical path to higher spiritual states. His claims to have discovered past lives and recovered lost knowledge using the E-Meter are similarly bogus.

From invented “memories”, Hubbard constructed supposedly lost knowledge in ever cascading fountains. Somehow he never “remembered” anything useful, like the location of the lost mines of Solomon or how to travel faster than light. But he disseminated speculations about everything from how to wash windows to baby formula to how to cure radiation sickness. It is almost like a religion invented by a hack science fiction and fantasy writer.

Sprinkled in with the false assertions he also used true information. Almost all of the facts he states as his own are derived from other authors without credit. And the information is usually distorted or given false significance.

Hubbard built a mighty empire of fantastic assertions and claimed that he saw it all in a needle that waves about. Then he called it Sciency or Science-o-logical or something. To this day there are those who claim that Hubbard’s revelations do not require belief, that they are scientifically derived.

But they are not science. They are Scientology.

PseudoScientology‘s interest in the E-Meter at this point is not its patent ownership, its construction, circuit boards, or even its technological evolution. What we want to understand is why the seekers of the “Bridge to Total Freedom” put their unquestioned faith in its use during those auditing sessions  … which the church interestingly describes as “technology.

There are no variables in the technology of auditing, no random results of haphazard applications. Auditing is not a period of vague free association. Each process is exact in its design and in its application and attains a definite result when correctly ministered. Scientology auditing can bring anyone from a condition of spiritual blindness to the brilliant joy of knowing.



In her column for the Boston Globe, Josie Thaddeus-Johns provides a clue: “Magic 8 Balls. Coin flips. Why do we turn to objects to make decisions for us?

It’s almost impossible to put a number on how many daily decisions we need to make — 35,000 comes up a lot, though researchers I spoke to are skeptical. So let’s just say: Too many. As a result, humans have long relied on chance to help us out.

The Magic 8 Ball — perhaps the most popular modern decision-maker ­ — also has links to mysticism. Created after a boom in spiritualism and seances in the early 20th century, it was initially patented as the “Syco-Seer: The Miracle Home Fortune Teller” by Alfred Carter, whose mother claimed to be clairvoyant.

Thaddeus-Johns continues with the key component of this blog post…

Oh nothing … just the obligatory “Subliminal Message.

These tools and toys to help us make choices are ubiquitous across time. Why are we charmed by the idea of giving away our agency to an inanimate object?

Anouchka Grose, a London-based psychoanalyst and writer, suggests that it may have to do with how uncomfortable most people find the state of indecision.

This is where “decision-paralysis relief tools,” as Sisto calls them, come in. In a large-scale study by a researcher at the University of Chicago, people considering a major life decision who were told to make a change by a coin flip were both much more likely to actually make the change, as well as to be happier six months later. Apparently, chance might be more in tune with our best interests than we are.

Much to the chagrin of our Scientologist friends, and explaining yet another reason why L. Ron Hubbard created such a galactic level of hatred for psychologists is the following question asked on the Psychology & Neuroscience Stack Exchange discussion forum

Is there a cognitive bias for ascribing agency to inanimate objects?
Fortunately, some psychologists have looked into it, and in accordance to your observations, people do tend to attribute intentional agency to inanimate objects.

One of our viewers notes that user “LRH” just left the chat 👀

Let’s continue with our unpacking of more definitive answers to that question.

The profound agency relationship that we have with things “inanimate” is answered right here in the technology age that we live in.

Perhaps some key terminology about human behavior is in order as a backdrop to our research…

Anthropomorphism is the attribution of human-like physical or non-physical features, behavior, emotions, characteristics and attributes to a non-human agent or to an inanimate object (Epley et al. 2007). Anthropomorphism as a human innate tendency has been well-documented for a long time in the history of humanity. Early drawings about 30,000 years ago depict animals with human-like bodies (Dalton 2003). The main goal of the projection of human-like attributes to non-human agents is to facilitate the understanding and explanation of the behavior and intentions of the non-human agents.

Maybe an “Average Joe” on Quora, who’s NOT a psychologist, can explain what we are looking for in a plain conversational style answer…

Q: Have you ever wondered if inanimate objects could have any kind of energy or consciousness?

Jacob: “I remember when I was very young I used to worry that if I didn’t “spend equal time talking” with various toys that somehow I might hurt their feelings. I do recall being genuinely worried about that.

In general I think talking to inanimate objects is reasonably common, although many people would not think about it this way. So when I really think about it … “Yes” it does seem pretty common. And therefore by definition “normal”.

That’s interesting, but let’s put our shovel back to work in that big pile of psychological research.

And what have we here? Have we hit the “Mother Lode?

In Psychology Today magazine is this remarkable article from just a few weeks ago (March 31, 2023) … “RELATIONSHIPS: We will be unable to help ourselves from viewing AIs as sentient life forms.

As complex systems, AIs have a “black box” that makes their behavior novel and unpredictable. The mysterious, dynamic nature of AIs will likely cause us to project our own mental states onto them in an unconscious attempt to understand and explain their behavior.

Humans tend to attribute mental states, such as beliefs, intentions, emotions, desires, and knowledge, to others in order to better understand, empathize, and connect with them as well as to predict their behavior. Humans are predisposed to projecting our mental states onto others, so we will unconsciously do so with AIs that mimic us.

The ELIZA Effect: This is the specific name given to the human tendency to attribute human-like intelligence and emotions to even rudimentary AI systems when these systems are designed to act human-like. This term was coined in the 1960s when an early computer system, ELIZA, was designed to interact with humans like a Rogerian therapist. Humans tended to attribute a much greater level of understanding and control to the ELIZA program than it possessed.

The Illusion of Understanding and Control: Humans have a fundamental need to understand our environment so that we can make predictions that serve our fitness and survival goals. AIs that mimic humans will elicit a belief that we can understand and control them because this reduces uncertainty, makes them more predictable, and helps us to feel more safe and secure around them.

In the auditing session, the Scientologist is encouraged to connect with their so-called “past lives.” As the church explains it

A person participating in auditing (a “preclear” in Scientology) must direct his attention inward to the deepest recesses of his reactive mind to confront occluded past incidents, including past lives, in order to find the answers to auditing questions, erase harmful energy contained in the mental image picture recordings of these incidents, and thus experience relief from spiritual travail.

Auditing is not something done to people, but involves their active participation to increase their self-determinism.

The definition of this phenomenon is called … Retrocognition

Retrocognition (also known as postcognition or hindsight, from the Latin retro meaning “backward, behind” and cognition meaning “knowing”, describes “knowledge of a past event which could not have been learned or inferred by normal means”.

This excerpt from The Times of India, “8 Signs that you have had a past life” would almost convince one that L. Ron Hubbard copied these theories right into the Scientologist Auditing course.

It is believed that we can experience the traumas from our past lives in our present life in the form of fear or phobias. Some examples can be fear from drowning, fear of certain animal, fear of certain places, fear from a particular number, colour, object without any valid reason.

Past life regression is a hypnotherapy that can help discover the reason behind unexplained fears if they are related to your past life.

We all have experienced Déjà vu at many points in our lives. It’s a bizarre feeling that you have lived a particular moment before. While some claim Déjà vu is a neurological dissonance, others believe it is revealing something from your past life experiences.

Another term for this is Past Life Regression, representing the exact “carbon copy” that is the Scientology auditing session.

Past life regression is a method that uses hypnosis to recover what practitioners believe are memories of past lives or incarnations. The practice is widely considered discredited and unscientific by medical practitioners, and experts generally regard claims of recovered memories of past lives as fantasies or delusions or a type of confabulation. Past-life regression is typically undertaken either in pursuit of a spiritual experience, or in a psychotherapeutic setting. Most advocates loosely adhere to beliefs about reincarnation, though religious traditions that incorporate reincarnation generally do not include the idea of repressed memories of past lives.

The technique used during past-life regression involves the subject answering a series of questions while hypnotized to reveal identity and events of alleged past lives, a method similar to that used in recovered memory therapy and one that, similarly, often misrepresents memory as a faithful recording of previous events rather than a constructed set of recollections. The use of hypnosis and suggestive questions can tend to leave the subject particularly likely to hold distorted or false memories. The source of the memories is more likely cryptomnesia and confabulations that combine experiences, knowledge, imagination and suggestion or guidance from the hypnotist than recall of a previous existence. Once created, those memories are indistinguishable from memories based on events that occurred during the subject’s life. Investigations of memories reported during past-life regression have revealed that they contain historical inaccuracies which originate from common beliefs about history, modern popular culture, or books that discuss historical events.

The gobbledygook version of this phantasm as told by the CoS “enlightened ones” is as follows:

Dianetics announced the discovery of a previously unknown and harmful part of the mind which contains many recordings of past experiences of loss, pain and unconsciousness in the form of mental image pictures. These exist below a person’s level of awareness and collectively accumulate to comprise what is called the Reactive Mind — the source of all unwanted fears, emotions, pains and psychosomatic illnesses. Step-by-step, auditing addresses the Reactive Mind until its previously unknown content is uncovered and its harmful effects over an individual are erased. When such occurs, one has achieved a new state of being that in Scientology is called Clear.

The core sentiment of the practitioners of Scientology is a phrase taken right from an iconic item from The X-Files. When it became a hit in the mid-90s, this poster was found on the bedroom wall of all the self-respecting X-Philes. And just like Mulder’s tortured conviction that the truth was out there, the Scientology faithful cling to the ever-unreachable “joy of knowing” that is out there, waiting to be uncovered because they … “Want to believe.”

The origin story of the “I Want to Believe” poster is that
Mulder bought it from a head shop on M Street in Washington, D.C.
The poster is ever present in the pitiful basement office
to which the supernaturally focused X-Files are assigned.

…the bartender says, “Hey guys … nice hairpieces.”


Ernest Angley (may he rest in peace) has consistently been voted the #1 coiffed “Holy Man” at Televangelists With Toupes. He even offered locks of his dead wife’s hair (for a monthly contribution of course) in the early 80’s.

If you’ve never seen Ernest, then you are in for a treat (if “Creepy YouTube Videos” is your favorite search term). Enjoy The Ernest Angley Hour show opener (1981)…


Okay, maybe Hubbard isn’t really in a zombie movie, but he is expected to return, and if he’s picking up one of those “past lives,” he’ll have to bring in some top-notch makeup artists to work through that whole decomposition issue. It could happen. Prove me wrong.

The entré for today’s post is a short study in character analysis. The outline for this study comes to us from Martin Gardner (1983–2010), a contemporary of L. Ron Hubbard and well-known for his authorship on the topics of mathematics, science, philosophy of science, theology, and magic. Gardner spent 25 years during his long career as a columnist at Scientific American, which started in 1956, and was a favorite contributor of articles on tricks, puzzles, and science for the Physics Teacher for 12 years.

The year Gardner passed, Karl Giberson, a contributor to the Huffington Post’s “Religion Blog” wrote…

On May 22, one of America’s most interesting minds and engaging writers passed. Martin Gardner possessed a unique combination of literary breadth, rigorous logic, mathematical intuition, and lively, engaging writing.

Gardner is a delightful paradox. Best known as a hard-nosed, card-carrying, take-no-prisoners skeptic, he cleverly and ruthlessly exposed the fakery of faith healing, spoon-bending, alien abducting, mind-palm-tarot-card reading, holocaust denying, and every other imaginable pseudoscience.

Gardner is often referred to as the founder of the modern skeptical movement. Together with the likes of magician James Randi, psychologist Ray Hyman, and others they formed the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal. It principally promoted scientific thinking and the application of science and reason to important public issues. The Committee began a publication in 1976, Skeptical Inquirer, for which Gardner was a key contributor.

In 1952, Gardner published “In the Name of Science: An Entertaining Survey of the High Priests and Cultists of Science, Past and Present.” It’s all in there … Flat and hollow — Monsters of doom — The Forteans — Flying saucers — Zig-zag-and-swirl — Down with Einstein! — Sir Isaac Babson — Dowsing rods and doodlebugs — Under the microscope — Geology versus Genesis — Lysenkoism — Apologists for hate — Atlantis and Lemuria — The Great Pyramid — Medical cults — Medical quacks — Food faddists — Throw away your glasses! — Eccentric sexual theories — Orgonomy — Dianetics — General semantics, etc. — From bumps to handwriting — ESP and PK — Bridley Murphy and other matters. It would be later republished as “Fads and Fallacies in the Name of Science.” (the 2nd Edition is available as a PDF download here)

Central to the theme of Gardner’s book is his character study of those who are the purveyors of pseudosciences and cult beliefs … the “cranks,” as described in Wikipedia.

I’ll take “FAMOUS CRANKS” for $500, Alex.

Gardner says that cranks have two common characteristics. The first “and most important” is that they work in almost total isolation from the scientific community. Gardner defines the community as an efficient network of communication within scientific fields, together with a co-operative process of testing new theories. This process allows for apparently bizarre theories to be published — such as Einstein’s theory of relativity, which initially met with considerable opposition; it was never dismissed as the work of a crackpot, and it soon met with almost universal acceptance. But the crank “stands entirely outside the closely integrated channels through which new ideas are introduced and evaluated. He does not send his findings to the recognized journals or, if he does, they are rejected for reasons which in the vast majority of cases are excellent.

The following character analysis is so accurate, it could easily be uploaded to L. Ron Hubbard’s LinkedIn account if he had one. The primary trait of the crank (which also contributes to his or her isolation) is the tendency to paranoia. There are five ways in which this tendency is likely to be manifested.

1. The pseudo-scientist considers himself a genius.
2. He regards other researchers as stupid, dishonest or both.
3. He believes there is a campaign against his ideas, a campaign comparable to the persecution of Galileo or Pasteur. He may attribute his “persecution” to a conspiracy by a scientific “masonry” who are unwilling to admit anyone to their inner sanctum without appropriate initiation.
4. Instead of side-stepping the mainstream, the pseudo-scientist attacks it head-on: The most revered scientist is Einstein so Gardner writes that Einstein is the most likely establishment figure to be attacked.
5. He has a tendency to use complex jargon, often making up words and phrases. Gardner compares this to the way that schizophrenics talk in what psychiatrists call “neologisms”, “words which have meaning to the patient, but sound like Jabberwocky to everyone else.”

These psychological traits are in varying degrees demonstrated throughout the remaining chapters of the book, in which Gardner examines particular “fads” he labels pseudo-scientific. His writing became the source book from which many later studies of pseudo-science were taken.

The icing on the cake for this post is Gardner’s review of Russell Miller’s “Bare-Faced Messiah,” published in 1987. He does little meandering in the first paragraph before lowering the hammer on L. Ron Hubbard…

Hubbard was a deeply disturbed man — a pathological liar who steadily deteriorated from a charming rogue into a paranoid egomaniac “unable to distinguish”, as Miller puts it, “between fact and his own fantastic fiction”.

And now Gardner trades in his roofing hammer for a jackhammer…

Almost everything Ron ever said about himself was false. He was never a swashbuckling explorer or distinguished naval officer. Although he claimed to be a physicist, his knowledge of science was negligible. His father, a lieutenant-commander in the US Navy, had hoped his son would pursue a similar career, but near-sightedness kept Ron out of Annapolis. His only education was in the engineering school of George Washington University where he dropped out after two years of dismal grades.

Gardner closes with every cult researcher’s nagging question about L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology…

How could a man this crazy have lived to 74 without being committed?

How could a science-fiction cult, with such preposterous doctrines and evil morals, continue to flourish?

There is a church website actually named “WhatIsScientology.org.” In stands as a monument to galactic-level irony because, this is the last question you get to ask before your fruitless journey “Up The Bridge.”

Engineers at Bridge Publications examine the newly released Gargantuan Extra-Groovy Mark IX E-Meter.


Direct from our factory in Kaohsiung, Taiwan.

Here’s how the newest tech works…

The newest modern bridge instrument has a digital display to allow for easy, automated use in all auditing environments. Like all modern instruments, bridges can be connected to a computer and other equipment to export readings and allow external inspection.

The newly introduced distortion meter is actually a level meter with two parallel switchable circuits at the input. The first circuit measures the total signal at the system output. (For low distortion, this is close to the fundamental). This value is set to a reading of 100% or equivalent to 0dB. The second circuit is a high pass filter that removes the fundamental frequency (as much as possible). This can be a notch filter that passes everything but the fundamental frequency at other frequencies (including the presence of harmonics) with negligible attenuation. Alternatively, if the distortion products are at higher frequencies, a high pass filter can be used if its cutoff frequency is steep enough not to affect the expected distortion products. This feature was included to accommodate less than cooperative pre-clears.

The mechanism of the Mark IX uses a moving spool that carries the needle and rotates under tension on pins or ribbons. The coil rotates in a constant magnetic field and is held in place by thin coil springs, which also serve to carry current to the voice coil. It provides a proportional measurement, not just a bearing, and the error is independent of the orientation of the gauge. Instead of balancing the bridge, values ​​could be read directly from the instrument’s scale, making measurement quick and easy. No more dependency on false floating needle readings!

The basic moving-coil meter is suitable for DC current measurements only, typically in the 10 μA to 100 mA range. It can easily be adjusted to read larger currents using shunts (resistors parallel to the movement of the base) or voltages using series resistors called multipliers. Previously, it was recommended that the Tone Arm value with the needle at the set-point should be between 2.0 and 4.0. A value of 4.5 is considered barely passing; 5.0 or higher is a failure, as is any value below 2.0. This is no longer necessary as the Mark IX automatically adjusts during the calibration at startup.

In simple terms, there are two terminals which carry current to and from the meter, while the other two allow the meter to measure the voltage across the resistor. With this arrangement, the current source is connected in series with the resistance to be measured via an external pair of terminals, while the other pair is connected in parallel with the galvanometer, which measures the voltage drop.With this type of meter, any voltage drops due to the resistance of the first pair of wires and the resistance of their contacts are ignored by the meter. This four-terminal measurement technique is literally a Double-Quantum leap from the previous Mark Ultra VIII E-Meter, making measurements in perfect alignment with LRH policy.

The brand new spectrum analyzer measures the amplitude of the input signal as a function of frequency over the entire frequency range of the instrument. The main purpose of the spectrum analyzer is to compensate for unexpected geomagnetic earth anomolies or sunspot maximums which will cause disruption in radio transmissions and aplitude variations in the coronal loops. 


Glide Sweep
A glide sweep (or chirp) is a continuous signal whose frequency logarithmically increases or decreases over time. The advantage of the Glide Sweep is that it allows the user to shorten the duration of the signal without losing frequency resolution in the results. This allows for instant recognition of the Theta Bop and allows the counselor time to resist an incoming spirit that could interrupt the session.

Step Sweep
A step sweep increases or decreases a variable input parameter (frequency or amplitude) in discrete steps. After each change, the counselor waits for a stable reading to be found before proceeding to the next step. Step scaling is linear or logarithmic. As it is not possible to predict the acclimatization time of different subjects, the duration of the progressive scan cannot be precisely determined in advance. To determine amplitude or frequency response, Step Sweep automatically adjusts for body reactions caused by body motion, such as the preclear yawning, coughing, moving around in the chair, or lifting a finger off the cans.

Time scan
In the time scan, the x-axis represents the time. Here, too, the y-axis represents the measured value, for example the amplitude. The development of the measured value is observed over time.For example, how does the test subject’s reaction change over time?

This newest technology takes all the worry out of auditing and brings L. Ron Hubbard’s Scripture clearly into focus, “The E-meter is never wrong. It sees all; it knows all. It tells everything.”

The script to an unmade film by the late L. Ron Hubbard was discovered by a janitor at Golden Era Productions while emptying a previously unnoticed waste bin from one of the dozens of unused production offices.

Before “Battlefield Earth,” this was the movie that was destined for the big screen. An unidentified source reports that secret meetings have been called for all Golden Era casting directors. Stay tuned…

The script has been leaked!

Title: “The Hilarious Hijinks of L. Ron Hubbard and the Troublesome Body Thetans”

[Scene: A dimly lit room with L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, sitting at a desk, surrounded by papers and a typewriter. He scratches his head, visibly frustrated.]

L. Ron Hubbard (LRH): Ah, these pesky body thetans! They’re worse than a horde of mischievous gremlins, I tell ya!

[Enter a swarm of invisible body thetans, giggling and causing mayhem.]

Body Thetan 1 (BT1): Hey, L. Ron, watch this! pulls out a whoopee cushion and places it on Hubbard’s chair

[Hubbard sits down, and the whoopee cushion makes a loud, embarrassing noise. The body thetans burst into laughter.]

LRH: Very funny, BT1! Now, back to work!

[Hubbard picks up his pen, but a body thetan snatches it away and starts scribbling random doodles on the papers.]

LRH: Oh, come on! I’m trying to write the next bestseller here!

Body Thetan 2 (BT2): waving a sock puppet Hey, LRH, how about we take a break and have a puppet show? I hear the thetans love it!

LRH: No, no, no! I need to focus! We’re creating a religion here, not a circus!

[Another body thetan, wearing a tiny construction hat, appears and starts hammering away at Hubbard’s typewriter.]

LRH: Stop it! This isn’t helping! You’re driving me crazy!

[Hubbard tries to shoo away the body thetans, but they multiply and continue their antics.]

LRH: Okay, I’ve had enough! We’re going to get these thetans under control once and for all!

[Hubbard grabs a makeshift ghostbuster-style vacuum cleaner and starts chasing the body thetans around the room.]

LRH: Prepare to be sucked into oblivion, you rascals!

[The body thetans scatter in all directions, with Hubbard chasing them, accompanied by Benny Hill-style music.]

[Cut to a montage of LRH’s attempts to rid himself of the body thetans, including jumping jacks, bizarre dance moves, and failed exorcism attempts with fake holy water.]

LRH: I’ve got it! We’ll call it “Auditing”! That’ll teach these thetans who’s boss!

[Hubbard sets up a mock auditing session, complete with a tin can and an e-meter. The body thetans line up, waiting their turn.]

Body Thetan 3 (BT3): whispering to the other thetans Guys, pretend to have deep emotional traumas. Let’s give LRH a good laugh!

[The body thetans take turns recounting exaggerated stories and emotions, making Hubbard’s auditing session a comedic disaster.]

LRH: This is impossible! I can’t focus with all these shenanigans!

[Hubbard collapses in defeat, surrounded by giggling body thetans.]

LRH: Alright, alright! I surrender! You win, body thetans! You win!

[The body thetans cheer and start celebrating, their laughter echoing through the room.]

[Closing scene: L. Ron Hubbard sits amidst the chaos, wearing a defeated expression, as the body thetans continue their mischievous revelry.]

Narrator: And so, the early days of Scientology were filled with laughter, frustration, and a whole lot of ghostly hijinks. Even the great L. Ron Hubbard couldn’t escape the comedic chaos caused by those mischievous body thetans. But despite the challenges, he persevered and developed unique techniques to help individuals overcome their spiritual obstacles.

[Cut to a montage of Hubbard conducting serious research, experimenting with various methods to handle the body thetans.]

Narrator: Hubbard tirelessly worked to refine his auditing techniques, determined to find a solution to the body thetans’ disruptive antics.

LRH: Eureka! I’ve got it! We’ll incorporate a special “Thetan Whispering” technique to communicate with these pesky beings.

[Hubbard demonstrates his new technique, speaking softly to the body thetans.]

LRH: Now, body thetans, I understand you love having fun, but we must find a balance. Let’s work together, okay?

[The body thetans, intrigued by Hubbard’s calm approach, gradually calm down and listen attentively.]

Narrator: Through patience, understanding, and a touch of diplomacy, L. Ron Hubbard managed to strike a truce with the body thetans.

[Cut to a scene of Hubbard and the body thetans sitting at a conference table, engaging in a serious negotiation.]

LRH: Alright, body thetans, I propose a compromise. You can have your occasional playful moments, but we must maintain focus during important Scientology tasks. Agreed?

[The body thetans nod their heads and shake hands with Hubbard, symbolizing their agreement.]

Narrator: From that day forward, the body thetans became valuable allies in the Church of Scientology, rather than pesky distractions. They channeled their energy into productive endeavors, leaving Hubbard free to pursue his mission.

[Closing scene: L. Ron Hubbard stands before an audience of eager followers, explaining his groundbreaking techniques.]

LRH: Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to the cooperation of our dear body thetans, we have unlocked the secrets of spiritual growth like never before!

[The audience applauds, and the body thetans, now wearing tiny Scientology badges, stand proudly alongside Hubbard.]

Narrator: And so, with laughter, determination, and a dash of ingenuity, L. Ron Hubbard and his troublesome body thetans turned their early struggles into a catalyst for spiritual enlightenment.

[The screen fades out, leaving the audience with a smile, imagining the hilarious journey Hubbard must have experienced in the early days of Scientology.]

Narrator: Remember, when life throws you mischievous body thetans, embrace the chaos, find the humor, and discover a path to enlightenment, just like L. Ron Hubbard did.


L. Ron Hubbard issued tons of “Policy Letters.” They are literally a sanctioned addendum of Scientology gospel (regardless of what the Green Volumes say). As this letter’s postscript states:

Adopted as official
Church policy by



He’s gonna show ’em. He knows some folks over at the…


March 3, 1951

LOL … he wanted to fingerprint his employees.

J. Edgar Hoover responds:

Ummm … no, this is not the Hubbard you are looking for. You gotta read the rest to earn that reward … also so I can be forgiven for crafting that totally clickbait headline. I am your host here at PseudoScientology.us, Imhotep. And just for full disclosure, Imhotep wasn’t actually a Pharoah like I make him out to be here (for you History fact-checkers). And the face is from my senior year at college (circa 1970). Yeah, yeah … so I’m as old as the pyramids. Whatever.

“Look upon my works ye mighty, and despair.”
Just kidding … that’s from my buddy Percy Bysshe Shelley
and his sonnet, “Ozymandias.”
What we have here is good old Photoshop, not AI.

Artificial intelligence (AI) is not only impacting industry, education, politics, and journalism. It is also entering Earth’s atmosphere at spaceship velocity in a new era of AI-generated art. AI technologies are creating an entirely new generation of artists … like me, Imhotep, your host at PseudoScientology.us.

The biggest concern, though, is how intrusive the new technology is becoming amidst the artist community. The art is good. In fact, it’s scarily good.

Artificial intelligence is getting scarily good. Among other abilities, AI art engines like DALL-E 2, Midjourney and Imagen can take an arbitrary text description and create original artwork that fits the prompt. Their images range from simple to dizzyingly complex, from concrete to abstract, from cartoonish to photorealistic. In at least one case, AI-generated art won first place in a competition.

…these art engines have an uncanny intelligence. They can match human beings, imagination for imagination, giving form and shape to any notion we can conceive of. Some even seem to have a sense of humor.

Human artists and graphic designers are worried—rightfully so—that they’ll lose their jobs to these programs.

Taking the country by storm … New York Times in 2022, “A.I.-Generated Art Is Already Transforming Creative Work.

In the past few months, A.I.-based image generators like DALL-E 2, Midjourney and Stable Diffusion have made it possible for anyone to create unique, hyper-realistic images just by typing a few words into a text box.

These apps, though new, are already astoundingly popular. DALL-E 2, for example, has more than 1.5 million users generating more than two million images every day, while Midjourney’s official Discord server has more than three million members.

Literally, “It’s so easy a caveman could do it,” harkening back to GEICO Insurance when they began an advertising campaign featuring Neanderthal-like cavemen. At MakeUseOf.com, the point is illustrated (and I so nailed that pun!):

AI-generated art is any image created using a generative AI model. Usually, this involves entering some text—called a prompt—into an AI art generator.

These text-to-image systems use a range of complex technology such as deep learning algorithms and generative adversarial networks (GANs), with the end product being quite amazing. Using just a few words or sentences, the model can generate an image that represents your description.

Most text-to-image AI art generators work in the same way. All you need to do is enter a text prompt and watch the art come to life before your eyes. The results will appear quickly, sometimes in less than a minute, and from there you can download the image or choose to generate another set of images based on the first result.

As an ancient Egyptian, I was curious how this amazing technology could assist me in exposing the mysterious dark side of Scientology. Artificial intelligence did not fail me.

I asked the AI Art Generator to create some images
of L. Ron Hubbard as an Egyptian Pharoah.

My mind was literally “BLOWN.” (sort of like me when I got out of the cult in 1967. But my exit wasn’t nearly as cool as Marc Headley, as detailed in his book “Blown For Good” where he relates how he was run off the road on his motorcycle by the Scientologists who chased him down).

The pharaohs of ancient Egypt reigned supreme. They were regarded as both gods and political figures. The pharaohs were so important to their people that they were compared to Egyptian gods such as Horus and Osiris … and one obscure fellow named Xenu. Here are two official photos of one of Egypt’s most revered leaders, AmenHubbardtep III (11391 BC – 1353 BC).

It doesn’t take a crystal ball to see
where some of my future posts will be headed.